Get PDF Helping When It Hurts: A Practical Guide to Helping Relationships

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Give the person space. Avoid crowding or grabbing the person. This can make a traumatized person feel threatened. Ask how you can help. Put safety first. If the person gets more upset despite your attempts to calm him or her down, leave the house or lock yourself in a room.

Call if you fear that your loved one may hurt himself or others. Help your loved one manage their anger. Your loved one can get anger under control by exploring the root issues and learning healthier ways to express their feelings. You can develop your own trauma symptoms from listening to trauma stories or being exposed to disturbing symptoms like flashbacks.

In order to have the strength to be there for your loved one over the long haul and lower your risk for secondary traumatization, you have to nurture and care for yourself.

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Take care of your physical needs: get enough sleep, exercise regularly, eat properly, and look after any medical issues. Cultivate your own support system. Lean on other family members, trusted friends, your own therapist or support group, or your faith community. Make time for your own life. Spread the responsibility.

Ask other family members and friends for assistance so you can take a break. You may also want to seek out respite services in your community. Set boundaries. Know your limits, communicate them to your family member and others involved, and stick to them. In the U. For families of military veterans in other countries, see the section below for online resources. Department of Veterans Affairs.

Family Members and Caregivers — Resources and support in the U. National Alliance on Mental Illness. Helping Others — Support and resources in Australia. Phoenix Australia. Family and Caregiver Support — Information and resources in Canada for those caring for someone with a mental health issue. Call and press 1. It felt a little scattered in places because often, in the midst of talking about theories of poverty alleviation, they suddenly throw in, 'but this isn't enough - don't forget about the gospel.

Althou Overall, really good content and a good reminder of some major blind spots in the church in the developed world, along with some good guidance on better ways to move forward. Although they cover similar territory, because of some different angles, I would personally recommend reading both When Helping Hurts and Duane Elmer's Cross-Cultural Servanthood. Conversations on Education and Social Change. These intersections were in terms of their focus in slightly different ways on change best working outward from the participation and effort of the materially poor in understanding their own giftings, dominion, and needs, and in making the decision about action to be taken, this last potentially with the assistance, rather than with a paternalistic directing, of those who are trying to help.

I started this one with the audio version of the second edition and finished it up with reading the third edition which has added chapters on getting started.


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I really enjoyed how the authors focused on a more holistic understanding of poverty relief from the lens of the four relationships in our lives self, others, God, creation. Seeing poverty this way reframes our questions and the approach we take. Is it really about solving a problem or journeying alongside someone? When we see poverty as I started this one with the audio version of the second edition and finished it up with reading the third edition which has added chapters on getting started. When we see poverty as a lack of material resources we shortchange poor people and ourselves from growing in greater relationship.

The giver tends towards the saviour complex while the receiver tends toward lowered self-esteem. The authors take this approach to common justice and mercy concerns as well as to missions trips to consider how we might approach each area differently. While doing so they provide many practical tools, examples of their use and links to further resources. I'm glad I read the expanded edition as it really put some concrete steps a church can take to become involved in community and household development within their community, as well as in other communities locally and globally through partnerships.

I'll definitely be coming back to this one for years to come. This is a must read for any pastor, practitioner or follower of Christ that wants to be part of God's reconciling work in restoring relationships and bringing true Shalom to earth. I didn't realize at first that this was written more for institutions or churches and community leaders than for individuals like me. However, I learned a lot and it helped clarify my own thoughts about giving and serving. I particularly appreciated that Biblical principles and the gospel are the underpinnings of every strategy presented here.

I didn't fully agree with all of his assertions nor with all of his theology not being reformed myself , but my disagreements were minor and do not aff I didn't realize at first that this was written more for institutions or churches and community leaders than for individuals like me.

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I didn't fully agree with all of his assertions nor with all of his theology not being reformed myself , but my disagreements were minor and do not affect the practical solutions offered in the book. I do think church leaders should read this to help them craft a fully Biblical stance on serving the poor. Most churches I know don't really have a fully defined, theology based approach. Every person involved in missions, local and global, needs to read this book. I have encountered much of these issues my first year on the field.

I felt like my heart was being read as I was reading the book. Jan 30, Rose rated it really liked it. This was an excellent read on how to equip people to help themselves not just enable them to be perpetually dependent. This book should be required reading for any minister or lay leader in ministry. Sep 27, Douglas Wilson rated it really liked it Shelves: Very good book, with the exception of chapter 8.

That one was a brick, but the rest of the book is much needed. Dec 02, Amanda Hutton rated it it was amazing. An eye-opening book that contains solid research and real-life examples. May 28, Derick Durham rated it it was amazing.

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One of the most important books you will ever read. Jan 01, Eugene rated it liked it. I'm not quite sure where to start with this one; When Helping Hurts is a widely popular book in Evangelical circles and as the title implies, it is essentially a critique and attempt at constructive criticism of modern poverty relief efforts. Granted, the Evangelical perspective should've been obvious from looking beyond the book's cover but still, a clearer subtitle wouldn't have hurt.

But moving on, let's look at the positive highlights.

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There is some good basic advice on how to help people without becoming an enabler, and an overall good explanation of how we can often hurt people in the long run by trying to help them in the wrong ways. The authors describe the issues surrounding poverty, including systemic problems such as the long term effects of racial discrimination in our past and failed government policies that help keep many trapped in a cycle of poverty. Whether you like it or not, one cannot look at these factors and deny that the concept of privilege exists on some level.

This was refreshing to find in the book, as most Evangelical writing on poverty focuses more on individual failures and personal responsibility while ignoring systemic matters. Specifically, I liked the illustration of the "God complex" that materially well off people can get while helping the poor and how many relief systems inadvertently create unhealthy relationships between the helpers and those being "helped. On the down side, while informative and packed with controversial quotes that make many people go "ga-ga" over a book like this, it is often very repetitive and too long.

Here's some advice - if you're writing and continuously find yourself starting sentences with phrases like "As we discussed in chapter 2", "As we said in chapter 4" ect - then it's probably time to stop and think about whether the ideas need repeating. Realistically, they could've shaved about pages off and still conveyed the same message. While offering some good advice on poverty relief ministry, the same cannot be said for the authors' understanding of economics; they often confuse capitalism with materialism, but on a basic level capitalism is simply the freedom to buy and sell without government regulation, whereas totalitarianism is total control by the government.

Simply put, competition lowers prices, and the authors fail to show an understanding of how excessive regulations can keep prices higher and contribute to poverty. They hint at the failures of our welfare system, yet offer little in terms of how we might improve it from a political standpoint. Lastly, they say there are lower wages and few job opportunities in the blue collar sector.

I find this surprising, because as a 10 year veteran "blue collar" worker myself, I can say confidently that there are a lot of opportunities for well paying jobs in the maintenance, construction and skilled manufacturing sector as well as a massive skills gap and a higher demand for those types of workers in the coming decades. However, this book was written in the middle of our last recession , so some of their views might be reflective of that time period.